TMI...maybe

I came up with an idea last night that helped me put things more in perspective for the nature of of the Lilin. My advisor Mary Patten suggested a few weeks ago that I try to think in the context of how the Lilin relate to their source of their immortality (men/ sex etc.) More in the way how what they have is these dead bodies once they are done feeding. It feels very much that the straight to video horror film "Mae" was a underlying influence for this. 

The opening rape scene has potential to be much richer now because of the changes. Instead of the "dark stranger in an alleyway" scenario (which never sat with me very well for some reason, like I was trying to force it), it now takes place in Louise's bedroom (much more like a "Mr. Goodbar scenario"). She secretly turns on a camera, recording all that happens. It seems as though Louise has 'led on' this man she invites over, as she pretty much ignores his advances (even though she is slightly turned on through her own submission). He starts to become forceful and they struggle- escalating into him raping her. The shot structure will be similar to the planned shot list from before (cut to Janet Night's "I get what I want" and intercut with porn and Nosferatu). 

Then the video is watched, and we see the figure that is Louise is covered in static. Lilin are not able to be recording on video (or film Im assuming) properly- they are fuzzed out. This ties into why Louise records all her feedings, out of hopes of finally seeing herself through media. Im not sure yet if this should be the case all the time, or only at the moment of climax- an issue I will discuss more with my advisors this upcoming week.

Im still working out the kinks, but I feel Louise should have a conversation with the corpse next to her (like she has these with all the men she kills)- not sure in what tone- but I do want to hint that she can only seem to get intimate contact with men once they are dead- maybe as simple as laying her head on his chest and putting his arm around her- a position that I myself long for myself in my eternal singledom and inability to get close to the opposite sex.

This idea for static filled bodies arose from the new opening that I wrote for the script. Louise is reading from a book (she is not revealed until the end of the read though), that explains the Lilith Myth in a biblical/fairytale structure. I adapted this from Robert Graves writings, and manipulated it at the end to explain how the Lilin will bleed to death from menstruation if they do not has sex. This then leads into the opening rape scene.

The first image I was thinking of for this narration is Lilith rising out of Television static. My other advisor Jon Cates mentioned something that blew my mind a little bit after I told him about this idea. Its on how tv static is the left over stuff from the big bang- heres something I found that explains it better then I ever could:

In 1965, Arno Penzias and Robert Wilson published a scientific study which proved that a radio signal with a wavelength of 7.3 cm was being emitted uniformly throughout all parts of the sky. This signal became known as cosmic microwave background radiation. Penzias and Wilson won the Nobel Prize in physics in 1978 for their findings. It is believed that this cosmic static is comprised of photons of energy that are still cooling 15 billion years after the Big Bang. If you turn a television to a channel with no station, you will see this static and given the level of intelligence of most TV programs, this static is about the only thing worth watching.

At first I wanted Lilith to be a whitish ghost like being that comes from the static- but now I also want her to carry remnants of the static with her into the garden of eden. Adam will have similar characteristics, but still needs something different, since according to the text, Adam was made from pure dust, whereas Lilith was made from "filth" (tough break)- thinking now this does seem even more interesting to me since I am attracted to images that look 'dirty'. Maybe they can have different looking static, or Adam can have a more digitized glitched artifacty look- Im not sure why- then it kinda seems like digital is raping analog in a literal way- which is a reading that I don't know my own feelings about- that dosent really make sense? Or does it? I think its interesting anyways...same goes for the whole theme of 'rape fantasy' that I playing with through out the script- it's always interested me, and it's always scared me- Im always attracted to things that scare the shit out of me. Maybe I should be honest here (and I dont care that it's on the internet) Im sure it's pretty obvious at this point: I find rape fantasy very arousing- and the very fact that I am ashamed to admit that is a whole other layer that I am interested in. A friend of mine once referred to it as "Virgin Porn", and I had no idea what the hell they were talking about at first. I still don't know how I feel about that.

Ive heard and read that women who enjoy rape fantasy are those who are too ashamed to take control of their own body and sexuality- and that rape fantasy is the only way to enjoy sex uninhibited. This seems like a very negative read to me- and I ironically feel shame for finding some truth in it. I am ashamed of my body (and I am not looking for 'don't be silly, your beautiful' pep talk bull shit- it's just a fact, and I will learn to work through it on my own time). That being said, the idea of being forced despite my hang-ups naturally would make sense. I find it so ironic to feel shame about my body, and then to feel shame over a way of 'coping' with these hang-ups. Talking about this now makes me realize how different rape fantasy actually is from real rape...it feels as though it is a bizarre doppelganger to rape- it is the uncanny (maybe?- I just eat up this freudian shit sometimes- it kinda feels like tarot cards and horoscopes- but thats a whole other blog entry). I have also never experienced rape fantasy myself in real life- the few times I have tried (not very hard) to get guys to be more dominant, I have failed- this is something that will be in the script:

After Louise find's Charlie's amater sex tape of him having sex with many girls (where he is constantly the dominant one in a rape fantasy scenario), she begins to antagonize him to try and hurt her and be forceful. There is an akward tension, as he cares about Louise (whereas the girls in the tape are revealed to be prostitutes). That fear of giving ones self over to a completely dominant role seems very difficult Ive noticed from my own personal experience. In contrast, I have often been the more dominant role during sex, but I ironically don't enjoy it as much as being submissive- I just naturally am. Its so confusing- almost like theory vs practice...fantasy vs reality. The reality of the situation is that Charlie and Louise both want the same thing, but they do not want to hurt each other. Louise ofcourse has more at stake, since Charlie's very life is in her hands- a conflict that has been very hard to write, since unrequited love often deals with martyring oneself into isolation. I do not want Louise to martyr herself until the end of the film- she must be on that journey to realizing that she can't have her cake and eat it too, because she is what she is. This is how I feel about myself when thinking of the men I have loved in my life- "He would feel the same way if I just wasn't born this way" - this way referring to my body of course. I guess the difference here for Louise is "Our love would 'work' if I just wasn't born this way"- since Charlie does love her back- which he proves in the end. It almost feels like a test of 'whose love is stronger in the end?'- Id hope I can conclude that it is equal in the end- since they are both willing to sacrifice themselves for each other- only Charlie wins- that seems like such a fucked up way of looking at it- yet the premise of the film is based off of the struggle for equality, and the inability to achieve it. My mother once said to me that in a relationship, one person always loves more then the other- which honestly broke my heart. She said she thought she loves my dad more then he loves her- which dosent make sense to me, since he seems like the one who loves her more. Such a weird thing to think about- and something that I will always wonder. I am very lucky to have parents who still love each other so much that there is an unspoken struggle of who loves the other more (which also pisses me off, cause then I wonder 'when the fuck am I gonna get my awesome healthy relationship?). Every man I have ever loved I know for a fact that I have loved more then they loved me- and I don't know why I feel that way (since I could very well be wrong, since I can never get inside their heads)- I guess Im just competitive, and I want true love, and want that struggle of who loves more- because on the other end of the spectrum is the act of 'settling'- and that is why I don't date I guess- because I know what I want when I see it and I don't like putting up with bullshit.

Well....this got way more personal then I thought it would- but this project is my most personal work it seems- and I guess I have to dig really deep this time around.